alovesecrecy.

Some Days Yesterday’s futsal session felt good. I enjoyed playing. I sweat it out. Everything just… clicked. But I’ve realised something. On the days it doesn’t — when things feel off, when I’m not at my best — I tend to take it harder than I should. As if one bad session defines everything. Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. Some days are just not mine. And maybe that’s okay.

Heard, but not understood. Do I have to spell it out? Or was it already clear from the start? I said I would try. I meant it. But trying doesn’t mean I’m ready. And when I had to say it again, something shifted. Not confusion. Just… something being pushed before its time. Your feelings are valid. So are mine. I just needed space to feel it through without being rushed. It shouldn’t have to be repeated for it to be understood.

In Position Lately, I’ve been keeping to a certain rhythm. Training, showing up, repeating it again. Nothing loud, nothing to announce. Just doing what needs to be done. There’s a different kind of focus now. Less about proving anything, more about being ready — in case the moment calls for it. I don’t really think too far ahead. Just making sure that when I step in, I’m not out of place. And if I’m not there yet, then I’ll keep working until I am.

Dear Iris, It’s been a while since I last saw you. Seeing you yesterday felt a little refreshing — nothing grand, just a familiar presence I hadn’t crossed paths with in some time. It shifted my mood quietly, in a way I didn’t expect. We’re not as close as we used to be, and I understand that. I think this is where “access” quietly makes sense to me now. Not everyone stays in the same space. Not everyone needs the same level of closeness they once had. Some connections simply shift over time, without needing to force anything back into place. Still, it was nice seeing you again.

The Word “Friend” I’ve been thinking about the word “friend” lately. It’s a word we tend to give away too easily — sometimes out of comfort, sometimes out of habit. But not everyone who walks beside you is meant to stay. Some people are just passing through, sharing moments, not meaning. And maybe that’s okay. I’m learning not to be too quick to label people as friends. Not everyone deserves that space. Not everyone understands what it takes to hold it. I guess I’ve been a little too open, a little too easy with my kindness, a little too comfortable around people I thought were friends. Maybe it’s time to return to myself — to be a little more guarded, a little less available, a little more intentional with who I let in. Not out of bitterness, just clarity. Some connections are real, some are temporary, and some are simply lessons. It’s not new — just something I’m finally choosing to honour.

Sleep Paralysis It came back. Sleep paralysis  —  is a condition where your mind wakes up, but your body is still asleep . I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s the pace I’ve been keeping. Full-time work, then part-time on some evenings. Training during the week, futsal when I can. Weekends don’t always slow down either — sometimes another session, sometimes work again. And in between, I still find time for a run here and there. It’s been… a lot. But also something I chose. Maybe it’s just my body catching up. A quiet reminder that I need more sleep, more rest. I don’t really have an answer. Just learning to take it as it comes.