Chapter 7.

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Will it ever be enough?



I was bawling my eyes out yesterday after keeping it for so long. If you don't know me yet, I will keep everything, bottling it up until it decides to burst one day. Yes, I'm that kind of person. I will take in every word you have ever said and endure it for a very very long time. It's in my nature that I have no one to share it with, and regretting the moment I choose to share it with someone. I should've tolerated it and had more patience but I failed. I was so sick, with all the combos; you name it. That's when I realised I was triggered by a word. 

I am always never good enough in the eyes of my family members. All that they have seen is only my flaws, the negativity. I don't even have the respect of making my own decision, even though it took me a while to decide. I don't have a say. 

My holidays planned for Q were not a "WOW" factor type of country. I have to inform them that I've planned for school holidays blablabla. Honestly, it's tiring. When I decided to travel with a few friends without Q, I was questioned so much, Like hey, Is it really a problem here? Like I am not a human being? Just because I'm a parent does not mean I can't go on trips on my own? To be honest, Q is giving me so so so much problems. Well, I reap what I sow, thus, I rest my case.

A little backtrack, long story short, I knew it when Pop decided to be super nice to me to ask to visit Q for the first time. Then, told me not to give away, but instead, threw me away. If that is what you call support, I'm sure as hell it is not. I felt disgusted.

As I continued typing, I realised how much anger I had in me that I was holding up. All in all, it's because of Q. It has always been that since day 1. They don't see the good things that I do because why? Let me tell you why. I disliked updating in group chats to inform every penny that I did with Q. Till the extent that I felt so much pressure to make daily updates. I did mention I hate doing it, but no one heard me. I know it's not gonna be easy from day 1. But I'm filled up to the brim. I guess you will never really understand until you have your own. That's my final take on this,

Phew, I felt relieved after typing it out. I should feel relieved but why am I not? Why am I blaming myself for not being able to tolerate it and holding it a tad longer? Why? I kept thinking. It's as if I'm in the wrong, that I made a horrible, horrible mistake to blast. I felt like a cut through my heart. It was excruciating pain. 😭

Not being able to own a house because of the age factor, some days I really wished I hit 35 ASAP. Having no shelter of your own is tough. I'm in a very difficult position rn, ngl. Everyone can say to have faith. Try to be in my shoes just for a day. I am a hundred percent confident that you will not survive. So lucky you peeps, enjoy life while you can.


Quote of the day: You can only be enough to the right person. 


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