Chapter 7: Too Much Hate and Anger

Will it ever be enough?

I was bawling my eyes out yesterday after keeping it for so long. If you don't know me yet, I will keep everything, bottling it up until it decides to burst one day. Yes, I'm that kind of person. I will take in every word you have ever said and endure it for a very very long time. It's in my nature that I have no one to share it with, and regretting the moment I choose to share it with someone. I should've tolerated it and had more patience but I failed. I was so sick, with all the combos; you name it. That's when I realised I was triggered by a word. 

I am always never good enough in the eyes of my family members. All that they have seen is only my flaws, the negativity. I don't even have the respect of making my own decision, even though it took me a while to decide. I don't have a say. 

My holidays planned for storm were not a "WOW" factor type of country. I have to inform them that I've planned for school holidays blablabla. Honestly, it's tiring. When I decided to travel with a few friends without storm, I was questioned so much, Like hey, Is it really a problem here? Like I am not a human being? Just because I'm a parent does not mean I can't go on trips on my own? To be honest, storm is giving me so so so much problems. Well, I reap what I sow, thus, I rest my case.

A little backtrack, long story short, I knew it when Pop decided to be super nice to me to ask to visit storm for the first time. Then, told me not to give away, but instead, threw me away. If that is what you call support, I'm sure as hell it is not. I felt disgusted.

As I continued typing, I realised how much anger I had in me that I was holding up. All in all, it's because of storm. It has always been that since day 1. They don't see the good things that I do because why? Let me tell you why. I disliked updating in group chats to inform every penny that I did with storm. Till the extent that I felt so much pressure to make daily updates. I did mention I hate doing it, but no one heard me. I know it's not gonna be easy from day 1. But I'm filled up to the brim. I guess you will never really understand until you have your own. That's my final take on this,

Phew, I felt relieved after typing it out. I should feel relieved but why am I not? Why am I blaming myself for not being able to tolerate it and holding it a tad longer? Why? I kept thinking. It's as if I'm in the wrong, that I made a horrible, horrible mistake to blast. I felt like a cut through my heart. It was excruciating pain. 😭

Not being able to own a house because of the age factor, some days I really wished I hit 35 ASAP. Having no shelter of your own is tough. I'm in a very difficult position rn, ngl. Everyone can say to have faith. Try to be in my shoes just for a day. I am a hundred percent confident that you will not survive. So lucky you peeps, enjoy life while you can.

Quote of the day: You can only be enough to the right person.