alovesecrecy.

Infidelity. Four years of laughter, of promises made, A love steady, like sunlight through shade. But care came in hands I did not expect, A soul’s gentle presence, my heart’s secret defect. While I wore the pants, paid the rent, held the weight, Your absence from work shaped our fate. A kiss in a game, a spark that betrayed, Emotions awakened, yet trust frayed. Not malice, not hatred, just hearts that misstepped, Love’s fragile garden, where boundaries wept. And now I walk forward, lessons in tow, Of choices, of longing, of what hearts truly know— Sometimes it’s the people you lean on, the one who shows, That when love falters, a new path often grows. I wanted to be honest, I wanted to be true, But the heart has its own way of breaking through. And in the end, the truth I can’t undo: I broke us first. I broke you first. Fantasies became reality.

It starts with, you. Don’t blame a stranger when you were the first to wound me. You broke me, you broke us. If touch were nothing but passing heat to you, know this— It was a world to me. You said you were busy, You said you weren’t in the mood. But why did I always surrender Whenever you reached for me, Yet you turned away Whenever I reached for you? When I finally stopped, You pulled me back. You couldn’t hold me close, Yet you couldn’t let me go. One day, When I finally give up, Don’t let regret come knocking. Yes— Intimacy is only a bonus in love, But how do I steer this ship when there was no sail, no wind, nothing to start? And when others offer me the attention You kept denying, don’t turn the blame onto me. Tell me, why is your love so selfish?

Regrets and Mistakes Fragments of 2012.  Somewhere along the way, the world taught me too much— the harsh truths I wasn’t ready for, the weight of expectations I didn’t ask to carry, the moments that left my heart a little less soft. In the quiet of growing up, innocence slipped through my fingers, not with a bang, but with a thousand small cracks. I look back and wonder if it was ever really mine, or just a fleeting comfort before life demanded reality. And yet… in losing it, I’ve gained perspective. Strength I didn’t know I had. Clarity I never sought. And a quiet appreciation for the moments that still feel untouched, where wonder refuses to die.

To: fragments-of-a-past-life Happy Birthday, my beautiful walking contradiction, A shadow wrapped in fractured light. You burn with chaos, soft yet wild, A storm that whispers in the night. Every flaw a story, every scar a song, A puzzle where nothing feels wrong. Here’s to another year of your enigmatic fire, My tragic, lovely, unquiet desire.

The Silence of a Friendship (Part II) I still remember our Pizza Hut days when we were sixteen—carefree, laughing, and stumbling through life without a worry. You were my go-to friend, the one I could count on, the most chill guy I knew. But what happened to us? How did we lose what we had? Was it something I did? I’ve asked myself that question over and over, carrying the blame like it was mine to own. Our last memory together was that All Time Low concert. Even then, you were already slipping away—unreachable before the show, leaving me hanging, leaving debts unpaid. It wasn’t just about the ticket. It was the silence, the distance, the way you turned into someone I no longer recognized. I knew you tried again on your second attempt at tying a knot but failed, and still, I stood by you. I sheltered you when you had nowhere else to go, even if it meant being scolded by my dad for bringing a friend home. Not only that, remember those times when I let you crash at my then-rental house, ...

Pulling Back, Yet Drawn In I try to pull away, but somehow, a week slips by unnoticed. The court still brings a glimpse of you — enough to make the pause feel shorter than it is. I linger quietly, careful not to show what’s behind the surface. It started small, just a spark between words, but now I catch myself wondering how deep a quiet thought can grow. You said your steps ran ahead of mine — I notice.

The Silence of a Friendship (Part I) I still remember the small things—calling you biskut.  You're just like chips more 🍪  Because you are always MIA . The little moments that felt like everything. Remember our picnic days? Remember our hangover days? Remember how I built my walls, afraid to invest in this friendship? But I caved in. We once planned holidays and getaways, painting pictures of adventures that never came to life. Back then, it felt like our friendship could weather anything. Even though I was skeptical of a 50-50 chance in my head. But when it mattered most, you chose to leave me hanging. No explanation, no closure. Just silence. You left me high and dry—debts unpaid, promises forgotten, and memories abandoned. Sometimes I wonder if you regret it. Do you ever think about the friendship we had, or am I the only one still holding onto the fragments? What hurts most isn’t the loss itself, but the way it ended—without goodbye, without reason. It’s a strange kind of...

It's Not Busy, It's Excuses "No matter how busy someone is, they’ll never be too busy for the person they truly want to make time for." And as cliché as it sounds, that truth can break you in an instant.                          “If they wanted to, they would. And that’s the part that hurts.” Too Busy They said the days were heavy, The hours slipping through their hands. But I watched them hold the world still for the people they chose to love. And in that quiet moment, I learned— Time is never the thief. It’s the heart that decides who it waits for.  Tired of excuses.

If we ever meet again.. I would share with you my rollercoaster journey. I wouldn't miss anything out. Sometimes, I wondered if you remember me? Or am I the only one reminiscing it? Why am I thinking of our dinosaur years? When all the memory has turned to blurs. Remember how we spoke, laughed, and cried? You were always by my side. In the same universe, yet unsure where you are, I hope you are doing well so far. I hope you are happy wherever you are, Hoping you'll remember me as a shooting star. To my dinosaur.

Happy Feet FC - Friendly 11-aside One for the memoirs— An opportunity turned reality. I couldn’t have asked for more. To my friends, Thank you for being crazy enough to do this together. Thank you for making my soccer journey so memorable and enjoyable. It’s always a pleasure to play alongside every one of you. From brainstorming our team name, To ordering jerseys — looking the same, With just futsal sessions to train, We gave our all, through joy and pain. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else, These moments we built, ourselves. Happy Feet FC signing out.

The Unspoken Rule. We never said the rule aloud— it lived in whispered glances, the way your hand found mine before the first word was spoken. It’s in the quiet knowing, that love is both a refuge and a revolution— soft as a touch, fierce as a vow. We inherit each other’s stories, not as baggage, but as bridges— a tapestry woven from laughter, scars, and dreams. The unspoken rule is simple: to love loudly, to hold fiercely, and to never let go of the space where our souls meet. Hoping it's you, my soulmate.

It pains me... It pains me when I thought I got over it. It pains me to think that I'm okay. It pains me that I was treated like shit. It pains me to mask my smile every day. It pains me to see myself this way.

Running Away. I wasn't running, I was chasing my own peace. They call it running away. I call it surviving another day. I left not because I stopped caring, but because staying was killing me. Running away hurts less than standing still in the wrong place. Running isn't always about fear, but sometimes it's about freedom. I just want to run away. I'm tired.

Imaginary friend. I slit my wrist when the cracks in me widen. I speak to myself without knowing— words spilling like shadows in an empty room. Sometimes I hear my own voice and it frightens me. I ask myself why? But depression and anxiety are squatters that never leave. Flashbacks strike like fists— yesterday barging in uninvited. My memory is a picture frame I never asked to hang. Selective recall is crueler still. I stand before the mirror, and see someone who swears they’ve never lived the memory their mind insists is theirs. Talking to my demon.

R a i n b o w . Are these feelings justifiable? Or am I just vulnerable? Feels like I've fallen too deep, Now I can't get out of it. Is it because I was too hurt that I'm blinded? Oh, how I wish all this were not intended. It's exhausting to keep this a secret. But I'm glad that we dated. It started in my younger years, I was confused because I had fears, Till I bled, wounded in tears, I should not have listened to my peers. I wished I could turn back time, And be all lemon and lime. Life is such, Let's not think too much. If you know, you know.

Between the lines. To understand the implicit meaning rather than the literal meaning. The unspoken message.  To not understand it basically, you're unbothered. It depicts your interests. No puns intended. Each day I masked on a smile. I'm guessing that's my style. If only you knew my pain, You wouldn't leave me in vain. Here I am still standing strong, Just so I can prove you wrong. Wait up, let me draw up a list, Before I slit my wrist. Poetry is not my forte, I got lost and confused till I sway, I swear that this is funny,  Yet somehow I miss you, honey. I used to be a leftie, And full of zesty, Oh, don't be cranky, I meant it when I promised with my pinky. I think I'm going insane, So I'm gonna need a champagne. It's fun while it lasted, I think I'm flabbergasted. xD

Decode. A paradox of brilliance, wrapped in contradiction, Fame or lame? Perhaps both — that’s the affliction. An artist at heart, with emotions that swell, Sentimental tides where secrets dwell. Ruthless, they say — but were they born so? A softness beneath what the world may not know. A happy-go-lucky laugh in the light, While shadows dance just out of sight. Gazing afar, lost in admiring divine creation, A soul caught in quiet contemplation. Naive in trust, too often betrayed, Now fortress walls around them are laid. To cross their path is to ride the storm, A thrill, a chill, a rarest form. Annoyingly amazing, frustratingly true, You’ll feel too much — yet never break through. Glamour may shine, but don’t be deceived, There's something sharper you won't have believed. A humbling soul, a beautiful mess, In every flaw, a strange finesse.   Part 2; It's compromise that moves us along.

Call Me Sherlock. A paradox of brilliance and contradiction  — fame or lame? I say both. An artistic soul, sentimental at times. As ruthless as it may seem, maybe born just the opposite. The kind of happy-go-lucky vibe, yet broken inside. Looking from afar, admiring god's creation. Still, there's a surprising naivety in trusting people, resulting in building walls. It's annoyingly amazing to cross paths, where emotions felt like a roller-coaster ride. A humbling experience, y et beneath the glamour lies something sharper. Part 1; It's not always rainbows and butterflies.

Back to 2009. Once upon a time, when I started blogging.  I was eighteen. I remembered learning how to create my own blog layout and whatnots. Using HTML, those late nights tryna decode and such. 10 years ago, I tried to recover it, but I couldn't. Now, I couldn't either. Fortunately, I found a way to delete this whole thing. But Imma gives it some time to look back on. IF ONLY i could recover it, I would reminisce you . IF ONLY i could recover it, I would read everything you blogged about me. IF ONLY i could recover it, I would get to see those baybeats moments. IF ONLY i could recover it, I would  try to talk to you again. You are my beautiful walking contradiction. Sounds familiar? Yeah, you . rHis i remember, but then you disappear. i hope one day you realised, that you were once i compromised. You were my first, and I was too, A love so young, so pure, so true. It could have bloomed, a perfect thing, But I chose storms instead of spring. #shain Back in MSN days. you got...

Nightmare. Nightmares, those terrifying dreams, often symbolize unresolved issues, fears, or anxieties. They can be a way for the mind to process difficult emotions or experiences.  "You handled it so well." No. I didn't. I went insane, lost spark, bled in silence, shattered in private, and wore a smile that lied better than any mask could. But no one noticed. Maybe I should absquatulate. Nightmares are dreams too.

August. Hectic start of the month.  Pesta Sukan Tourney - 3rd Runner Up. 02.08.2025 Super proud of my team - Soft Kitty! First time playing alongside players. Scored 2 goals for the team. A win for myself, definitely haha xD Honestly, we could clinch for 2nd runner-up.  Next up, Phuket here we come! To many more futsal sessions.  First time meeting her. Scored a goal right before her. 😹 To the vet, meo-meo :( 04.08.2025 Dr suspected ringworm. Will have to wait for the results in 3-4 days.  Feel better soon, my boy.  Football brings people together.