Chapter 3.

A Burden For Life.

I kid you not. The thought of carrying a duty and being responsible for your whole life is not a joke. A horrific start, sleepless nights, and infinite time. Living seemed useless. Technically, it's like my world is crumbling down. All the efforts I have built seem worthless. It literally felt like a cut through my heart. A throbbing pain, a total mental breakdown. That is when I shut all of my doors. No matter how I tried to be optimistic, I still felt the baggage. To top it off, I don't have anyone to share it with. Even if I had one, I was full of insecurities and afraid of being judged. I cut all ties with what I called once "my blood". I pushed people away. No one dared to reach out and offer aid. I remembered being delusional. I almost went crazy. At times, I was laughing at one moment and then crying historically at another. This is real. I was diagnosed with depression.

On the contrary, I wouldn't say that time heals all wounds. Is it really a phase? I wondered. I build up my courage to make a change. Instead of crying, I would sing. Instead of overthinking, I filled up my mind with work stuff. I remember being overworked because I was afraid that my mind would go astray. Instead of a bad appetite, I explored new food. Instead of complaining, I held it in. Instead of opening up to others, I started talking to myself. Instead of suicidal thoughts, I read books.

Truth prevails, I was having trouble with sleep. I was afraid to let my mind and body to rest. I was afraid of shutting my eyes. Each time I tried closing my eyes, it would depict a picture of the whole scenario that happened. Even though I am overworked, I would go for a run, just to tire myself. I survived with 2 hours of sleep every day. Oh, not forgetting how I considered myself a smoke machine! It became a routine, my coping mechanism.

I remember wanting to play sports when I was struggling. To kick some balls. To release some tension. Unfortunately, I did not see a point in it. To the extent that I didn't feel like I was cut to play sports because of my situation. I felt I wasn't good enough in everything that I did. I was hopeless.

Am I emo? I asked myself.

I'd reminisce back in the days how I felt somewhat like I did the right thing even though obviously it was wrong. Sometimes I find myself pondering if I would take a different approach. 

Quote of the day: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift.